I have known the time I would start school for days now, I had picked out my favorite outfit, I had memorized my teachers names and class numbers, I had even woke up at 6 o’clock. The real reason for me being late is really nothing; I had gotten here at the earliest time possible and stayed on the campus the entire time before the bell rang. After getting here I had gone into the girl’s bathroom, but was too afraid to come out. As pathetic as it sounds, it’s true. I was late because I was too nervous to go outside and socialize with the people I had known since 4th grade. I was afraid they wouldn’t notice me, that they would not care enough, that they had forgotten me.
Not that it matters much, but I actually do have very good friends. I’m just a loser that has problems socializing. The whole time I was in the bathroom I was thinking about my friends and all those other people. Just thinking about all those people outside of the walls made me question if my last few weeks of preparation had been enough. Could anything really prevent me from freezing up in public?
This was the entire reason I was late for class. When I finally got to my Science class and walked in my teacher asked me why I was late. I said no reason. What is the point of lying to a teacher? It was the first day of school and I had rehearsed every step of it, and I really should have been there on time. He would probably think I couldn’t find my class. So be it.
I sat down next to Heidi, my best friend. She knew how shy I was, and she also knew that when I knew someone well enough to stop being shy that I was a great friend. We had been friends ever since 4th grade two weeks after I moved to Brookville, Arizona. Some dumb boy was following me bugging the heck out of me, he kept asking why I was so shy, and read so much. Then he continued to talk and kick me in the back of the shin. My temper got the better of me and I took my favorite book (a hardcover) from my bag and threatened to whack him if he did not go and leave me alone. Heidi saw this and said that Kevin Tal deserved any beating he got. Heidi became my first new friend, and introduced me to other people. To this day I still hang out with the same people, and Kevin is still the class dork/bully.
I really tried to focus on Science and everything my new teacher was saying. Even if I had paid no attention I would have know the basics of what he said. It was what every teacher I had today would be saying. “In order to be successful you need to put your all into school and be organized.” This statement is completely false; I was successful and do not put my all into school or keep track of my homework and class work. I put my all into waking up each day and wishing I was old enough to drive a car or go to college so I could create a new life and toss this one into the nearest recycle bin. I was successful because I wanted more out of life than waking up and hiding in the school bathroom. I wanted adventure, money, and excitement. All these things you can get if you go to a good college. Why not start with good grades in middle school?
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After class Heidi and all my other friends ambushed me and asked why I was late. I said I spilled juice all over by shirt and had to go home, I didn’t want to tell my science teacher because it was too embarrassing. I can’t believe I pulled that lie off, I usually suck at lying. Maybe lying is one of those things you get better at when you grow older? Right now I’m in Spanish, I hate it already. Foreign words make my head hurt. The teacher made it pretty clear that all you have to do to get an A is to show up every day, do extra credit, and rise your once in awhile. The tests are open book; I don’t even have to learn one word of the language.
This year I hope to get straight A’s. Math is my only problem, I can fake everything else. P.E. is a pain but I can get through it. Science is my favorite subject just as long as we don’t get into anatomy. English is easy, I can write good enough so that I don’t really have to do anything. Social Studies is my best subject, history just makes sense to me. Math confuses me; I don’t get a lot of it. Why do we need to know half of this stuff? My past teachers have argued that many professions use math every day. Well when I go to college I’m only going to take something fun like, photography, graphic design, English, or maybe astronomy. I don’t really think about what I will do in the future, I just know what I want it to include.
I have dreams about my future all the time. Those dreams are all like sugar coated houses; I know what the outside is but the inside is a mystery. I want my life to be perfect one day. I want a beautiful house, a wonderful boyfriend, and a fantastic career. I don’t even put much thought into how I will get these things, I just know I what them. This might be a little weird coming from a 13 year old, but I know what I want, always have. The sad thing is that I never get what I want. Sure I get the little things, but I don’t get the big things. This is all my fault, I put too much energy in thinking what it will be like when I have something that I convince myself I still have plenty of time for everything. Everyone says life is short, but I think it is too long.
I don’t feel like I don’t have enough time for everything, I feel like have more than enough time. I always feel bored, and I always feel alone. To me it’s like life is a distraction from feeling sad and depressed. I like to read, watch TV, and listen to music because it keeps me from sitting there doing nothing and having to think about where I’m going. What am I doing? When I stop to think about these things I imagine myself floating on an empty space. This space is my life, and I have not done anything to put in that space. I can’t help but think that my space will always be empty, that I won’t do anything worthwhile.
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Without even realizing it I sleepwalked throughout the whole day. I went to 6 classes and I didn’t notice. When the bell rang it woke me up from my trance. I asked Heidi what class was next and she said the day was over. She said that I seemed different today, like I wasn’t really there. I had spent the whole day writing in my journal. I said I guess I wasn’t feeling good, she said it was first day jitters.
We walked up to the front of the school talking about how exciting our new classes are and how lucky we are to be in all of each other’s classes. Then my mom drove up and I got in the car. She asked me how my day was, I said it was fine. Fine means that I don’t want to tell her. Fine means that today sucked. She doesn’t catch the code word, I didn’t think she would. She never does.
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When I get home I cry a little, I wonder why I felt so depressed. Some days it feels like I’m soaring and I can fly, some days it feels like I’m invisible. Some days it feels like I’m just like everyone else, with my feet firmly on the ground. I get the ground days more often but sometimes I feel like I’m made of air, with the slightest breeze I can fly. If there is no breeze I’m something that is always there but you can never see it. I don’t know why I feel like this.
After I start crying I start to look at this journal. I read it once, the twice. When I read it I can remember in what classes I wrote the paragraphs. I can find the little passages where I talk about a class that I don’t really remember. I can remember why I thought it was ironic that the weather was perfect, I did not want to come out of the bathroom because I was having an invisible day. That is why I was late, I was afraid no one would notice, not that people would.